


A Thousand Dreams or More, But Only One Reality

by Queen of the Castle (queen_of_the_castle_77)



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2017-11-07 03:26:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/426426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queen_of_the_castle_77/pseuds/Queen%20of%20the%20Castle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The pretend can never be real, but something real can still arise from it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Thousand Dreams or More, But Only One Reality

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Contains an adult fantasising about a boy just south of 18 years old.
> 
> Makes references to Jedi Quest and Jedi Apprentice canon, but I won’t claim I’m entirely faithful to the books. *looks pointedly at pairings*

Hot lips managed to zero in on the small hollow of Obi-Wan’s neck that lay bare between his beard and his tunic. For the life of him he couldn’t contain his moan at the sensation.

Despite how the ship’s self-contained gravity field was offsetting its propulsion through hyperspace, Obi-Wan felt curiously weightless. Perhaps that was just the result of _finally_ having some promise of relief from the months of torture he’d been heaping onto himself. After going so long without allowing himself to be touched, now he practically burned for the fingers scrabbling at his tunics to hurry up and reach the skin beneath. And when the boy’s back hit the wall and he hoisted himself up slightly so that his thighs locked around Obi-Wan’s hips as he simultaneously claimed Obi-Wan’s mouth, Obi-Wan felt as though he was overloading on pure want.

Oh Force, Obi-Wan thought as he almost mindlessly bucked against the limber body in his arms. Force. _Anakin_. All those times he’d dreamed of hard flesh pressing against his own didn’t compare to the reality. Why had he held himself back from this for so long when it felt _so very good_?

He was so caught up in it all that, in retrospect, he was surprised he heard the door sliding open behind him. He supposed he’d been unconsciously keeping an ear out for trouble. It was the sign of a guilty conscience, undoubtedly. 

That small noise was enough of a reminder of the world (and the people) outside that room to bring his embellished fantasy abruptly crashing down around his ears. The Padawan – though not _his_ Padawan, whatever Obi-Wan’s mind might have wilfully substituted in the heat of passion – reluctantly dropped his feet back to the floor and allowed Obi-Wan to jerk away to confront the person who had intruded upon them.

Obi-Wan could think of few things more mortifying than having Siri Tachi catch him pinning Ferus Olin to a wall as he plundered the boy’s mouth. There had been a time, after all, when he’d found himself in practically the same position with _her_ , though she’d never quite worked him into the kind of complete desperation that Ferus had so easily evoked. Still, back then Obi-Wan had broken things off between them specifically because – as his Master’s warnings had highlighted – it was dangerous for Jedi to engage in that sort of behaviour. Such intimacy ultimately led to forbidden places, he’d told her, and she’d agreed, albeit sadly. She was unlikely to have forgotten any of that, and must be thinking of him as the galaxy’s biggest hypocrite to be at it all over again. If he then also added in the fact that Ferus happened to be her Padawan, it seemed obvious to Obi-Wan that Siri would hardly be the most neutral witness to his current transgression.

But then, as Siri herself was quick to remind him, she still wasn’t the least welcome person who might have walked through that door. It could have been far worse.

“He’s only nineteen,” Siri reprimanded him through gritted teeth. Her voice was cast low enough that Ferus clearly wasn’t meant to overhear, but Obi-Wan wasn’t fooled for a second by the way the boy was staring a little too intently at the wall and scuffing the sole of his boot against the ground; he was listening in carefully to every word. “He’s barely older than your own Padawan. And speaking of, can you imagine Skywalker’s reaction if _he’d_ been the one to stumble in and seen this?”

Obi-Wan _could_ imagine, actually, and it was a rather terrifying vision. 

Anakin and Ferus did not get along, to say the least, and Anakin was already nursing enough paranoia about everyone supposedly always taking Ferus’s side when it came to their clashes. The last thing either of them needed was for Anakin to mistakenly suspect his own Master of being biased against him as well.

And even that possibility was nothing compared to the consequences should Anakin see this and realise that it _wasn’t_ happening because Obi-Wan preferred Ferus over him; quite the opposite.

Siri continued, “After all your talk about duty over the years –” 

“Master, with all due respect, Master Kenobi has done nothing wrong,” Ferus interrupted. He looked embarrassed at having been caught in such an undignified state, but otherwise seemed firmly certain of their blamelessness. It must have been nice to have always stuck so very close to the rules that he could consider himself practically above reproach. Obi-Wan would love to share that feeling around about then, especially given how Siri was judging him with her eyes. “Neither of us have allowed this to get in the way of duty. Surely you can’t think I would ever do that.”

“What about the Code?” Siri challenged him, though her gaze was still firmly fixed on Obi-Wan and it was clear to whom she was really putting that question.

Nonetheless, Ferus answered her once more on Obi-Wan’s behalf. “I doubt Master Kenobi has ever put the smallest dent in the Code in his life unless it was for Skywalker’s benefit,” he said somewhat wryly. “Certainly he hasn’t broken it here. There’s no attachment between us and both of us know it.”

Siri didn’t seem to know exactly what to make of that. “Is it supposed to make me feel better, then, that he’s only using you?”

Obi-Wan’s stomach rolled uncomfortably at the accuracy of the jibe.

Ferus, however, merely shrugged. “I appreciate you looking out for me, as always, and I accept that in many things you’re still so much wiser than I am. But I’m not a child anymore, and there are some things that I need to decide for myself. And face the consequences for myself as well, if need be.”

It was all said in such a careful tone that somehow the words didn’t come across as disrespectful, though they easily could have. Obi-Wan had noticed Ferus’s talent in that respect before. Much as he had those previous times, however, Obi-Wan couldn’t help but wish the boy had taken the more direct route. He’d have loved to hear the usually compliant young man tell Siri outright to butt the hell out of his private business. As Anakin would have, Obi-Wan decided with a sinking feeling.

Still, though Ferus treated the rules with an even greater reverence than Obi-Wan usually did, and though Anakin by comparison rarely seemed to take notice that the rules even existed, in many other ways the two were far more alike than either would give the other credit for. For one thing, there was a certain determination in Ferus’s eyes right then that Obi-Wan frequently saw in Anakin.

It was no wonder Obi-Wan found him so appealing.

But Ferus wasn’t Anakin. The fact that Obi-Wan even needed to remind himself of that was precisely the problem here.

Siri eventually heeded her Padawan’s wishes and left with one last glare at Obi-Wan (which clearly proclaimed that _he_ , at least, could expect to hear much more from her about this before their ship reached its destination and provided him with the opportunity to make a strategic escape). Obi-Wan remembered this time to reach out with the Force to engage the door lock after she’d departed so that no one else – Anakin – would interrupt or overhear them. Then Obi-Wan turned to Ferus with a sombre look. 

Obi-Wan reached out and traced a finger down Ferus’s long, thin braid consideringly. He was well aware that the boy’s status was part of what had gained his interest in the first place – it made it that much easier to pretend – but now the fact that he’d been so willing to use this young man like that disgusted him. Not that he’d ever admit it to her, but Siri had always been good at bringing him to his senses.

“I’m sorry,” Obi-Wan said. “Your Master is entirely correct: I’m using you.”

“Oh, I know,” Ferus admitted. “Of course I know. It’s obvious enough that your mind wasn’t fully on _me_ earlier. But who said I wasn’t enjoying it all the same? The last thing I want is for you to not to finish what you started just because you’re worried you’ve hurt me. You haven’t. In fact, please, feel free to use me for your own pleasure all you like.” 

The tone was so light-hearted that Obi-Wan could almost believe it at face value. Almost.

“You’re a good man, Ferus,” Obi-Wan said, his accompanying chuckle more than slightly self-deprecating. “Far better than I deserve.”

“I don’t believe that,” Ferus answered honestly. “But better than you’ve chosen for yourself, I think.”

Obi-Wan tried very hard not to turn visibly red at the implication. “I don’t know what you mean.” 

It was a poor evasion, and Ferus levelled a knowing stare at him. “It’s always been difficult for me not to envy Anakin the hearts he holds in his hands. I can’t deny it’s even more so when I see how you look at him. But I’m not fool enough to think that I can pit myself fully against him and actually win, so I’ll happily take what I can get. Though perhaps one day in the distant future, when Anakin has finally overstepped the line and given you reason to reconsider your feelings for him, things might be different. The future’s always in motion, after all.”

They’d already spoken about Anakin’s cloudy future once before, and Obi-Wan was fairly certain he’d left Ferus with no inkling that Obi-Wan’s private fears seemed to align alarmingly close to what Ferus had warned him about. As Obi-Wan thought he’d conveyed his point already – and given that he worried that his defence of Anakin might end up sounding just a little weaker and more anxious with every repetition – he decided to simply let the comment slide this time. 

Instead, he said gently, “Even if that ever did occur, there would still be the rule against attachments to consider. You’ve never exactly struck me as willing to break the Code, no matter the incentive. I’ve never even seen you stride the _edge_ of a rule, let alone cross the line.”

“Well I did say it’d be in the _distant_ future, didn’t I?” Ferus said. “I’m under no illusions that you’ll suddenly see Anakin’s faults clearly overnight. And maybe by then either you or my Master will have finally managed to drill into me the idea that sometimes, for the right reason, the rules _should_ be bent a little.”

For the right reason, Obi-Wan’s thoughts echoed. And what was that, exactly? Surely not for love alone. Obi-Wan imagined for a moment openly approaching Anakin the way he had Ferus, unperturbed by the prospect being turned down or by what would potentially happen if he _wasn’t_. It would only ever be an imagining, because that fear would always be there. When it came to Anakin, Obi-Wan already cared too much for it to ever be casual. And yet no matter how desperately he loved his Padawan, he’d never be able to even tell him so. If he gave Anakin that kind of power over him, he’d lose himself completely to it. There was a reason attachment was forbidden, and there were some rules that _shouldn’t_ be broken. Even for love. Perhaps especially then.

“In this case you’re undoubtedly wiser to ignore my lessons and stick steadfastly to your rules. Besides, if you ever were to break them it shouldn’t be for me. I suspect I wouldn’t be an easy man to love,” Obi-Wan advised. “You should avoid that lot in life at all costs.”

The corners of Ferus’s eyes crinkled slightly, making him suddenly look far more mature and insightful than his nineteen years. It was so rare to see him smile. Obi-Wan found that he liked it quite a lot. 

“A Jedi cares not for ‘easy’,” Ferus quoted. “And my mind is set, at least for this moment.”

“Then I suppose, since you’re so sure of yourself, that you think that now would be an opportune time for me to comment on how you like it ‘hard’,” Obi-Wan mused.

“Not one of your better quips, Master Kenobi, but I certainly won’t say it’s a mistaken one.”

Startled by this unexpected development – imagine Ferus Olin, of all people, actually _teasing_ a Master! – Obi-Wan reached out and traced his fingertips over Ferus’s cheekbone before cupping his hand behind his head and pulling the two of them closer together. When their lips met, it was far less frantic than they’d been with each other earlier. Obi-Wan wouldn’t say he enjoyed it less, though.

Their physical proximity seemed on the surface much like how they’d stood before Siri had interrupted, but Obi-Wan _felt_ a chasm of difference regardless.

This young man had served himself up without reservation for Obi-Wan to do as he pleased, had defended Obi-Wan from and risked censure by his own Master and, whatever he might say aloud, would clearly be hurt on some level if Obi-Wan were to continue to selfishly use him for his own ends alone.

In light of all that, Obi-Wan couldn’t quite bring himself to continue as he’d set out.

No matter how much he wanted it, Obi-Wan would never have Anakin hovering before him like this, all rumpled and aroused and eyes begging for a hand to touch him in all the right places. But he knew – had known all along, though he’d tried to ignore it – that that his unfulfilled desires and frustrations didn’t give him an excuse to treat the man who _was_ offering himself up that way as some kind of empty canvass for his mind to project an image onto.

Even if he didn’t object to such treatment, Obi-Wan could see that Ferus deserved so much more. 

“Master,” Ferus hissed as Obi-Wan cupped the front of his leggings.

“There’ll be no ‘Master’ or ‘Padawan’ between us here if we’re going to do this, thank you,” Obi-Wan announced.

Obviously he’d said exactly the right thing – or the wrong thing, depending on the perspective – for Ferus’s smile was back stronger than ever. Ferus nearly glowed with pleasure at the clear implication that he wasn’t to be just a nameless stand-in for another Padawan this time around.

“As you like. Obi-Wan,” he added, testing out the name.

“No,” Obi-Wan countered, “as _you_ like. Tell me what you enjoy. I want to hear you.” 

It was impossible to mistake Ferus’s voice for Anakin’s deeper cadence, even when it was interspersed with moans. So as Obi-Wan’s fingers and tongue followed Ferus’s breathless verbal directions to the letter, Obi-Wan managed not to silently think Anakin’s name to himself even once.

~FIN~


End file.
